Wednesday, May 25, 2011

TEOTWAWKI, Art and the Zombie Apocalypse

     Hang on to your hats for this post!  My imagination went wild on this one!
     Did you know that last week the Center for Disease Control (CDC) actually gave us, the brain-dead public, a written primer on how to prepare for an invasion of brain-eating undead, commonly known as Zombies?  I find it rather ironic that they talk to us like we’re Zombies, hanging on to their every word, about the threat of real Zombies.  Can you believe it?
     Look, you may not have as good a seat on “the crazy train” as I do, and have no idea what TEOTWAWKI really is.  Well, fire up that Google search because this post is way beyond Survival 101!
     So, after the CDC article, I’m thinking to myself, “How does this affect my art career?”  Don’t worry; I’ve done the heavy lifting here.  Preparation is my middle name.  I actually quit Cub Scouts in the Third Grade because my lefty-leaning, patchouli-stenched instructor, Ms. Pillsbury informed me we wouldn’t be learning to start fires with a bow drill, or any other form of bushcraft.  So, adios Ms. P and good luck with your bake sale.  (And I want to know, where were the male role models for this impressionable group of 8-year olds?  But that’s another lament for another time.)
     So, flash forward to the present, and the alarming warning from the CDC regarding the aforementioned Zombies.  If I want to paint a plein air landscape, I must not only consider my palette choice, brushes and easel, but must now contemplate what type of firepower I might need during my painting experience.
     No artist wants to fend off a poorly dressed member of the Undead, who is wearing a Frankie Goes To Hollywood RELAX T-shirt (slightly blood-tinged) using only a tube of Van Dyke Brown and the sharp end of a Kolinsky Sable Winsor Newton Series 7 brush.
     Keeping with the Zombie theme, let’s break this down into small, edible chunks of logic (Sorry about that!).  Here’s the heart of the matter:  The problem with defending yourself against Zombies is that they are only firing on one neuron and it’s in their head, so you have an impossibly small target.  Logical thinking leads us to this conclusion:  Big bullets release more kinetic energy on pea brains.
     So, here’s my advice to you:  If possible, consider the 9 mm as a minimum weapon of defense, with the .45 ACP as an even better choice, or my personal favorite….the Remington Model 870 pump shotgun.
     I proudly consider myself a member of what Michael Bane calls Gun Culture 1.0, and as such, would never consider a day of painting without a large caliber weapon within reach for defending myself against Zombies or other undesirable elements.  I’m capable of sending copious amounts of hot lead down-range faster than you can say “Arches 140 cold press and Ultramarine Blue”. 
     In a couple of weeks I am teaching a workshop here in my studio to a good friend whom I will call Calamity Deb.  As host of this event, I feel a sense of responsibility to provide a safe workshop environment for my wide-eyed students.  However, I happen to know that Calamity Deb has a rather good seat on the crazy train, herself, and is known to be quite capable of sending her own hot lead down range.
     So with Pam providing eyes and ears, and back up with her new 9 mm Gen 4 Glock, Calamity Deb and I will be able to venture down the art path safely and unimpeded.  And I am providing fair warning to any of the Undead who dare to limp, glassy-eyed into our Day of Art.  OK, girls, let ‘em have it!


  1. I'll just be surrounding my house with running treadmills... I'll save on ammunition that way!

  2. Okay. I'm totally hung up on the Art Techno-babble. I can speak zombie killing for sure, but "Arches 140 cold press"? What the heck is that? And the Kolinsky Sable Winsor Newton Series 7 sounds like an excellent choice of weapon in any language.

  3. Arches is a type of watercolor paper and the Kolinsky brush is one of my favorites....both are my weapons of choice.